Doreen vs the Squirrel

I was born and raised in the city. To me, a pigeon is a WILD animal. I never liked squirrels so kept my distance - in city parks, in forest preserves and in the mountains of New Hampshire where, as teens, we spent summer weekends swimming at Angle Pond.

Amid the bustling of a Chicago spring, my first direct battle with a squirrel occurred in the small park across from our apartment. I tossed my lunch bag into a trash can only to be set upon by a territorial squirrel waving its arms and flicking its tail. I jumped back scared out of my wits and the squirrel chirped in victory.

The Squirrel one. Doreen zero.

Twenty years later, I was, little by little, getting the hang of being a first-time homeowner in the suburbs of DC. The master bath has a window overlooking the roof and this particular fall day, I was busily brushing my teeth with the window open. The squirrels love the cedar shake, high-pitched, roof surrounded by lush, tall pine trees. I usually hear them scurrying across the roof as I got ready for work and that day was no different - except I decided to retaliate!

With my spit cup in hand, I flung the contents through the screen only hitting the squirrel’s left, hind paw. He snorted at me and ran away. I thought I had my long-sought victory in my grasp.

A few minutes later, I heard chattering and ran to the window. Not only had the squirrel returned, but it brought backup! I now had two tormentors! They kept looking at each other, then me, then chattered incessantly to each other.  I quickly realized they were making fun of me!

How could I fight back? The same screen that kept them out also kept me in. The human was the one caged. All I could do was yell back in frustration.

After several minutes, wondering if the neighbors thought the new owner was nuts, I admitted defeat and slinked back to the sink.

The Squirrel two. Doreen zero.